Friday, September 7, 2012

Under 500 cals, but still feel guilty.

I know my goal was to stay under 500 today, so technically I kicked today in the ass calorie wise. But I didn't work out like I wanted. I will have to do cardio tomorrow! I think I am going to get the 30 day shred and do it! I heard it works wonders... Has anyone tried it before?
On another note... Therapy today was crazy difficult... I cried a ton... I hate crying in front of people. Mainly because of this: ^

It's hard to talk. I hate to admit this, but since I am pretty much anonymous here, I don't really want to get better. This is the only thing I have. I have lost everything and everyone. All I have is my disorders. I don't want to be them, but I don't want to give them up. They are mine. I control them not the other way around. At least for now... And I am ok with that.
I think the reason it is so hard to talk is because it hurts 10x more to say the terrible things in my world aloud. If I say it aloud then it's real. I don't want this to be real. I want to wake up in my warm bed as a 5 year old on christmas eve. When my parents still loved me and I was an innocent little girl. I hate that I think this way, but I do and I can't change it. Despite what people may think. I know deep down that this is a bad path to take, but right now it is the only one keeping me alive. Striving for control and striving to be thin give me something to live for. If anyone takes that away... I would have no reason to be here anymore.

But enough of my shit here is some thinspo! Be sure to check out my tumblr ( for more... I update tht constantly lol!

stay strong lovelies!


  1. hey.. i have just come across your blog, and reading this post has struck such a chord with me. you seem to echo the way i feel inside perfectly.. talking is hard, talking about the past, feeling and life in general.. because like you said it makes it feel even more real.. when they're locked inside we can push them aside.. the control is so good, so dangerous but so good. i know i shouldnt but i desire that too, you seem to already have it though :) i hope you are ok.

    lots of love
    - Rayya xx

    1. Hey! So i checked out your blog and started following :) It sounds like you have a lot more control than i do. I wish i had the motivation to go work out more.. It would probably help if I wasn't an obese whale.
      stay strong

  2. I really related to this. My friends just don’t understand that I am in control and I don’t want to change.