Some Random Thinspo I Like...

Lists, Lists, LISTS!

Here are two of my lists I've made over the past week. They help me stay on track and I thought it might be useful to anyone else who is struggling to remain in control:


My Foods List (so far)

Good Foods:

Peas*

Carrots

Broccoli* 

Watermelon

Grapes*

Raspberries

Blueberries

Strawberries

Apples

Popsicles 

Fruit Pops

Amy’s Minestrone (NOT HEARTY) & Chunky Veggie & Veggie Barley

Sol Portobello Mushroom Burger

Olives

*High Fiber

Ok Foods: 

Beans

Oats

Amy’s Organic Chili (Orange Can)

Amy’s Lentil Veggie Soup

Amy’s Southwestern Veggie Soup & Spanish Red Bean

Amy’s Tofu Scramble Pocket Sandwich

Hummus

VERY Sparingly: 

Amys Quinoa and Black Bean Bowl

Avocado

Amy’s Thai Green Curry (NOT RED)

Bananas 

Tahini

Potatoes

Bad Foods:  

Ice Cream 

Pizza

Fear Foods: 

Peanut Butter 

Any kind of nut butter actually

Rice

Pasta

Rules: 

1. No BINGING! 
2. If you feel like binging: 
1. count to 50 slowly. 
2. Chug water. 
3. Slowly eat an apple or carrots. 
4. Write down all the reasons you want to be thin.
5. Look at cute clothes. 
3. No eating after 7pm. 
4. No eating before 7am. 
5. Gum, Gum, GUM!
6. When eating: 
1. chew at least 10 times. 
2. Always put silverware down between bites. 
3. In this order: Veggies, Protein, Starch, Then Fruit/Sweets
7. Always plan food the day before. 
1. Can change it up as long as you stay in calorie goal.
8. Weigh every morning. Measure every sunday morning. 
9. No eating out with friends. 
1. If it is required: Eat something small before and LIE you ate already. 
10. No talking about with others:
1. Food 
2. Weight
3. Hunger
11. Give fat clothes away as soon as you don’t need them. 
1. Buy similar clothes to avoid suspicious looks
12. Do not eat anything you do not the exact amount of calories in.
13. No purging unless over 800 cals. 
1. Seriously, soup is not worth throwing up. 
14. Exercise everyday. 
1. Yoga
2. Stretching
3. 30 min walk
4. ANYTHING! 
15. Always carry a book for distraction
1. Studying also falls under this
16. NO ASPARTAME. 
1. That shit is cancer and gives migraines 

Down the Relapse Rabbit Hole

Hello again!

(TRIGGER WARNING)

I realize no one probably reads my blog anymore since it has been a few years since I posted on here. I actually got better... for a while. But last week shit hit the fan. Family stress piled on top of school stress piled on top of my work stress overwhelmed me. And I sort of... just... broke.

It started last Monday when my mom and I had a huge argument. For those of you who don't know/remember: she has Borderline Personality Disorder. She was in one of her moods last week where literally EVERYTHING I do is wrong. Long story, short -- she wanted me to do something that I physically couldn't do in the amount of time she demanded. So she threatened me with everything she possibly could. When I went to defend myself, it only made things worse. I gave in and found another solution to her demand and took care of it. But she still wasn't happy! Shocker, I know. We ended up in another argument and (having had heart problems in the past) she pulled the "You're going to kill me, you know that. You ungrateful, spoiled child. You're going to give me a heart attack!" card. She went to bed and I was left to deal with all the emotions that had just been brought to the surface.

For anyone who has cut in the past, you will know the feeling I'm about to describe: A painful urge that builds and builds until you think you are going to explode. I ran down to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and slowly cut along the inside of my arm just small enough to relieve the pressure. It's a sensational feeling when you haven't done it so long. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed it and it was hard for me to believe I ever gave it up. Cutting always did one of two things for me: either gave me the control I needed to relieve the pressure of the emotions building up, or it made me feel when I couldn't feel anything anymore. My arms are covered in different kinds of cuts. The angry, thick cuts from when I needed release. And the thin, precise cuts from when I wanted to feel.

I went to bed feeling like a failure. How could I do something so awful to myself after I promised myself I never again would? Yet, at the same time I kept thinking of how great it felt to have just a microscopic amount of control in my life and in the world. I fell asleep hoping that, by tomorrow morning, I might somehow be magically better.

I was wrong.

When I woke up Tuesday, I didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late. I skipped breakfast and when lunch rolled around I skipped that too. Dinner was 175 cals of potatoes and romaine. I was hungry. And it felt great. My ED has always been in my subconscious, silently waiting to come out and "help" me when I need it. By Wednesday morning, I was in full blown restricting mode again. 300 cals a day or less. I had safe foods, ok foods, bad foods, and fear foods all written out again. The calculator that lay dormant in my head these past few years, shook off the dust and began to work its magic. Medium apple (72).  Medium russet potato (168). 5 Baby carrots (20). 1/2 Tbsp tahini (45). On and on it went. By Thursday I had added in exercise.

And by today I am down 10lbs in a week. It's hard to make yourself stop engaging in something addicting. It's even harder to stop when you don't want to. And why the hell would I want to stop when I just lost 10lbs in a week? Sure there is the slight problem of me purging my 175 calorie dinner earlier because I felt too full. Or the problem that I'm already dreaming about eating food not on my plan and feeling guilty when I wake up. Or the problem that I'm scared to eat over 300 calories, even though I know that is not sustainable for when school starts. But these problems, they take a back seat to my ED. It has gotten me through so much. I don't know how I managed so long without it. And just like that I can no longer see my life without my ED pulling me through it.

One week. That's all it took for me to fall completely back into every old habit I had. I didn't just fall down the rabbit hole, I dove. Head first.

x

Another Dance Thinspo

So despite posting it over a year ago, ballet thinspo, is still my top viewed page. Figured I would post another one.
All of the girls in my ballet class are so much skinnier than me. It drives me crazy. I've only been dancing for a few months, so I know it is unreasonable for me to expect to be as flexible as them. Some of them should be on pointe though. Seriously was to good to be in my beginner level. Either that or I am just that bad lol. Anywho, hope everyone is safe and well! Spring is finally upon us! Unless you live in the southern hemisphere, then Fall is here. Which is just as beautiful. Let me know if you have any requests and I'll do my best to post them.

xoxo
A

Diet and crack down time!

So here is my plan to lose 15 pounds by May 5th (or in about a month). According to MFP I can totally do it!

4 Days a week - cardio!!!! (bleh, i hate cardio :( it makes me feel like death)
2 days a week - tone up them buns hun! and arms, and legs, and any other wobbly bit....
1 day a week - rest up, even olympic athletes have a rest day, and they are waaaaaay more fit than me....

8 cups of water a day. Stay under 500 cals a day.

 If I follow through on all this, I should be good to go. My first and foremost goal is to lose 10 pounds by easter on the 20th. I move on the 21st and want to look and feel amazing! Then another 5 by May 5th. Why this exact day you may ask, well my friend C picked the day and I had no objections so together we are working on a 15 pound loss. It's weird to think that a month from now, 30 pounds (15 between each of us) will have disappeared from the planet...  Think of the weight or mass this planet gains or loses on a daily basis... Or maybe I'm just over thinking lol.

Anywho, rough day at work today... people can be so bitchy... Sometimes I wonder why I haven't murdered one of my customers yet haha. They are so rude, and all because they think since they have money they can do whatever they want. Bitch, I ain't your servant. My biggest pet peeve is when someone makes me follow them around our boutique asking how much is this, how much is that.... Are you fucking blind? There is a price tag on everything in this fucking store.... Gawd. Ok, rant over. Ha. Anyways, for those who don't follow me on MFP, friend me: wannabeitgrl
Or feel free to kik me (same username). I don't get on kik that much, since I don't really have anyone to talk to one there. I mostly use MFP. I'll be trying to post my daily calorie intake and exercise on here, but like I said, MFP is where you can for sure see everything I eat and drink and if I workout etc...

Ok so, I know what you want, thinspo! Here are some more pics I found floating around tumblr that I really enjoyed :) Hope you do too.

xoxo
A