Breaking my Plateau

Well, technically it wasn't a plateau because I still lost 0.2 lbs over night. But still, after restricting to 200 cals two days in a row, I expected a little more than -0.4 lbs. So I had two options today... Either fast all day (which seemed really unlikely), or give myself a binge day (which also seemed really unlikely without purging). I ended up just going all out in b/p day. All my old behaviors came back. And I hate to say it but despite my sore throat, I don't have any regrets. I started at 230.2, binged up to 233 and purged down to 228.8. Now I'm sitting around 229.6, which is right where I wanted to be by today. And I'm not starving. And I got chipotle and ice cream. Not a bad day at all.

Now I seriously recommend that YOU don't try this. That YOU find a healthier way. And I'd like to remind any haters, that this isn't about losing weight for me. It really is a control thing/coping mechanism. And tbh... I'm a little addicted to the high it gives me.

*BEGIN RANT*

I'd like to remind everyone who is trying to "become" ana or "become" mia of some of the down sides to these disorders that I experienced just in the past 4 hours:

1. I'm now extremely constipated because I fucked up my bowels from the purging. Woo!

2. My throat is so sore I can barely talk.

3. I may not be hungry anymore, but I look sick. I have dark circles under my eyes and am very pale.

4. I almost choked on my own vomit. (This is always sooooo pleasant)

5. I cried because I dropped a banana that I was going to eat.

6. I have a slight burn on my lip from the acid or spice (not sure which) from my delicious Chipotle burrito on its way back up.

7. I canceled all my plans today so I could have this b/p day. That means that I let two separate friends down.

Wow. See what fun this is!

I seriously don't understand why people want this to happen to them. I mean, I'm not trying to get better myself, so I guess I'm just a big hypocrite. But me and a lot of others are already sick. And we need each other for support. But people who seek this out? WTF is wrong with you? DO YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE?

*END RANT*

Anyways, I don't feel like complete shit, only because I lost the weight. I am worried, however, that I am going to get waaaay to addicted to purging again. It really only works for me as a plateau breaker once a week.

I really hope no one decides to read this rant lol. This is really just a more personal diary for me that I hope might help someone who finds it not feel so alone. Being alone in a world full of people and being fully aware of the feeling to the point where it is suffocating is by far one of the most dreadful feelings I've ever felt. That and no control over my own life.

Welp, I am going to wrap this up before I ramble too much.

x

Another Dance Thinspo

So despite posting it over a year ago, ballet thinspo, is still my top viewed page. Figured I would post another one.
All of the girls in my ballet class are so much skinnier than me. It drives me crazy. I've only been dancing for a few months, so I know it is unreasonable for me to expect to be as flexible as them. Some of them should be on pointe though. Seriously was to good to be in my beginner level. Either that or I am just that bad lol. Anywho, hope everyone is safe and well! Spring is finally upon us! Unless you live in the southern hemisphere, then Fall is here. Which is just as beautiful. Let me know if you have any requests and I'll do my best to post them.

xoxo
A

Moving!

Hey everyone,
So just a quick update because I am going through a ton over the next month. I am moving! And although it is only from one side of the park to the other, it's still a huge adjustment. I'm moving in with my family which is crazy to me. I never thought I would give up my independence again. But for those of you who have never lived in a big city, my rent here in San Francisco is 700-800 depending on utilities, and I share a studio. 367 sq ft with another person. So at least when I move back in with my mom, I will have my own room, and my dog back :)

I'm really excited to move, but sort of bummed too. I know I'm only moving about four miles (if  that) away. But a lot of my favorite shops and restaurants are right here. I guess, I can always find new ones. More than anything, I'm just super grateful my mom is letting me stay with her. She has however, always been very critical of my weight. So I am hoping you all will join me, and support me this month. I plan on losing 10 lbs by April 21st, the day after easter. I know it will be really hard to behave during easter this year, but I really want to look like I have lost weight since I've last seen my family. Believe it or not, although we live in the same city, I haven't seen my mom since the beginning of March. I've already lost 10, so another 10 should do the trick. Here is a pic of my new view, I cheated and stole this off the apartment complex website....

And of course, here is some thinspo, because I love you guys! 

Feel free to message me on kik, youtube, or MFP: wannabeitgrl 

xoxo

A

Some thinspo, just because!

Bored at work so here is some thinspo for you lovelies. :)