Breaking my Plateau

Well, technically it wasn't a plateau because I still lost 0.2 lbs over night. But still, after restricting to 200 cals two days in a row, I expected a little more than -0.4 lbs. So I had two options today... Either fast all day (which seemed really unlikely), or give myself a binge day (which also seemed really unlikely without purging). I ended up just going all out in b/p day. All my old behaviors came back. And I hate to say it but despite my sore throat, I don't have any regrets. I started at 230.2, binged up to 233 and purged down to 228.8. Now I'm sitting around 229.6, which is right where I wanted to be by today. And I'm not starving. And I got chipotle and ice cream. Not a bad day at all.

Now I seriously recommend that YOU don't try this. That YOU find a healthier way. And I'd like to remind any haters, that this isn't about losing weight for me. It really is a control thing/coping mechanism. And tbh... I'm a little addicted to the high it gives me.

*BEGIN RANT*

I'd like to remind everyone who is trying to "become" ana or "become" mia of some of the down sides to these disorders that I experienced just in the past 4 hours:

1. I'm now extremely constipated because I fucked up my bowels from the purging. Woo!

2. My throat is so sore I can barely talk.

3. I may not be hungry anymore, but I look sick. I have dark circles under my eyes and am very pale.

4. I almost choked on my own vomit. (This is always sooooo pleasant)

5. I cried because I dropped a banana that I was going to eat.

6. I have a slight burn on my lip from the acid or spice (not sure which) from my delicious Chipotle burrito on its way back up.

7. I canceled all my plans today so I could have this b/p day. That means that I let two separate friends down.

Wow. See what fun this is!

I seriously don't understand why people want this to happen to them. I mean, I'm not trying to get better myself, so I guess I'm just a big hypocrite. But me and a lot of others are already sick. And we need each other for support. But people who seek this out? WTF is wrong with you? DO YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE?

*END RANT*

Anyways, I don't feel like complete shit, only because I lost the weight. I am worried, however, that I am going to get waaaay to addicted to purging again. It really only works for me as a plateau breaker once a week.

I really hope no one decides to read this rant lol. This is really just a more personal diary for me that I hope might help someone who finds it not feel so alone. Being alone in a world full of people and being fully aware of the feeling to the point where it is suffocating is by far one of the most dreadful feelings I've ever felt. That and no control over my own life.

Welp, I am going to wrap this up before I ramble too much.

x