Recovery?

Hey guys!

Sorry it's been so long. I've had a few interesting months. I was hospitalized then went to residential for about 5-6 weeks. I just discharged this past week. I'm struggling. I mean I'm really struggling. I don't know if I'm ready for recovery. I stepped on the scale today. I'm skipping every other meal. I just don't know if I can do this. I want to be able to, but idk. Maybe I don't want it enough.

Anyways, short post just to let you all know I'm alive and still kicking. And to sort of get my thoughts out. Any advice would be much appreciated!!!

GW 1 DONE!

Idk what's up with these headaches. I literally added sodium, potassium, and magnesium back into my diet to replenish any electrolytes lost during my recent liquid fast (5 days at 200cals or less of coffee, soup, water! A new record for me) and the headaches are still killing me. I get migraines, so I'm wondering if they could just be making a comeback.

I reached my 1st goal weight! I'm down to 220 now. (-21lbs from August 1st). I'm so excited I bought myself a new pair of jeans. They are a size 16. I haven't been in a size 16 since high school. AHHHH. So pumped. It's all paying off. And since I'm so focused on distracting myself from food, my grades are skyrocketing. Studying is my best distraction tool. I'm so happy right now. I know I'll crash eventually. But I just want to revel in this moment when I'm finally happy after a month of shit. According to my calculations as long as I eat under 400 cals/day I should be at my Halloween gw of 180. It will be tough, but I'll throw in probably 2 more liquid fasts which should really help.


No thinspo today :( Sorry! Super busy between work and school starting.

x

Lost 20 lbs! Then binged :(

So yesterday was a clusterfuck. I stepped on the scale for my morning weigh in and I had officially hit the -20lbs mark! I was so pumped. I was starving all day yesterday though and couldn't control my munchies cravings. I told myself that I would high restrict to around 1200 and just give myself the day to reset, since I hit my first GW. Welp, 1200 turned into 1700 and regret set it in fast. I couldn't purge because my mom was home all day, and I never ate enough to really purge. I just ate many small meals throughout the day. I went to bed bloated, angry, and depressed. I woke up bloated, angry, and depressed... and fatter. I somehow managed to gain 5 lbs from 1700 calories. I know logically it doesn't make since, but I look and feel FAT!

I don't know why I let myself think it was ok to eat that much. I should've been studying more, not eating. FML. Now I have to work extra hard all week to make sure I don't fuck myself over again. I want to be below 200 by Halloween, and days like yesterday destroy nearly all my progress. I have to buckle down and be more serious about losing weight. I feel like such a failure today. I don't think I'll feel better again until I hit 220. Why did I eat all that food yesterday???

REGRET is overwhelming right now.

x

Are you there, God? It's me...

So I have been struggling all week to lose as much as I did last week. Despite doing the same stuff. I even upped my workout intensity and still only lost like .2 lbs. That was what inspired the b/p day, right? Well past two days, same sh*t. Only -.2lbs both days. I ate under 200 and worked out. So, like WTF.

Well thankfully, mother nature gave me the wonderful gift of bloat and water retention. So yes, for a change, I am super pumped to have my period. Lol. It explains the crazy weight and awkward bloat/fat feeling I've had.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

x

Black and White Thinspo

IT WORKED!

Phew! So glad that yesterday paid off. Woke up and weighed 228 exactly. So pumped! I did have to dodge some questions by my trainer today. Today was our last day meeting for a while and she wanted to know why I lost nearly 15 pounds in two weeks... Oops. At least I won't have any more public weigh ins for a while.

School starts next week and I'm a bit nervous about how I am going to work out all the calories just yet. I have a general guide in mind, but I'm not sure how applicable it will be. Especially since I am taking yoga this semester and have class for 4.5 hours in a row. There will definitely be coffee involved. And as much as I hate to do it, I'll have to up my calories on a few days since they will be full class/work days. 12 hour days suck; I guess that's college for you lol.

I've decided Thursdays (starting next week) will be my official b/p day. I have a set routine I do on those days and I need like three hours at least to not feel rushed. And schedule wise, Thursday afternoons works best for me. Plus, it is the best way for my body to break a plateau/week of restricting. Again, I know, not healthy. But I really don't know if I care... I don't think I do.

See before I relapsed, I was at the suicidal point again. I hate feeling like that. I know for some people, their ED makes them suicidal. But for me, my ED sets me free. It gives me something to live for, something to control, something to focus on, a way to cope with all the other crap. I NEED this right now. Which is why I'm going to do everything to hide it and to feed it (excuse the pun).

x

Breaking my Plateau

Well, technically it wasn't a plateau because I still lost 0.2 lbs over night. But still, after restricting to 200 cals two days in a row, I expected a little more than -0.4 lbs. So I had two options today... Either fast all day (which seemed really unlikely), or give myself a binge day (which also seemed really unlikely without purging). I ended up just going all out in b/p day. All my old behaviors came back. And I hate to say it but despite my sore throat, I don't have any regrets. I started at 230.2, binged up to 233 and purged down to 228.8. Now I'm sitting around 229.6, which is right where I wanted to be by today. And I'm not starving. And I got chipotle and ice cream. Not a bad day at all.

Now I seriously recommend that YOU don't try this. That YOU find a healthier way. And I'd like to remind any haters, that this isn't about losing weight for me. It really is a control thing/coping mechanism. And tbh... I'm a little addicted to the high it gives me.

*BEGIN RANT*

I'd like to remind everyone who is trying to "become" ana or "become" mia of some of the down sides to these disorders that I experienced just in the past 4 hours:

1. I'm now extremely constipated because I fucked up my bowels from the purging. Woo!

2. My throat is so sore I can barely talk.

3. I may not be hungry anymore, but I look sick. I have dark circles under my eyes and am very pale.

4. I almost choked on my own vomit. (This is always sooooo pleasant)

5. I cried because I dropped a banana that I was going to eat.

6. I have a slight burn on my lip from the acid or spice (not sure which) from my delicious Chipotle burrito on its way back up.

7. I canceled all my plans today so I could have this b/p day. That means that I let two separate friends down.

Wow. See what fun this is!

I seriously don't understand why people want this to happen to them. I mean, I'm not trying to get better myself, so I guess I'm just a big hypocrite. But me and a lot of others are already sick. And we need each other for support. But people who seek this out? WTF is wrong with you? DO YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE?

*END RANT*

Anyways, I don't feel like complete shit, only because I lost the weight. I am worried, however, that I am going to get waaaay to addicted to purging again. It really only works for me as a plateau breaker once a week.

I really hope no one decides to read this rant lol. This is really just a more personal diary for me that I hope might help someone who finds it not feel so alone. Being alone in a world full of people and being fully aware of the feeling to the point where it is suffocating is by far one of the most dreadful feelings I've ever felt. That and no control over my own life.

Welp, I am going to wrap this up before I ramble too much.

x