Personal Goals!

K so I am down to 248 and it has really motivated me to keep going... God I know I am still a whale, and I will be for a while, but here are my goals for now.

I will post a chart at the bottom to show my weight goals.
So here are my goals...

• 500 calories a day max...
• A day starts at dinner so I can make up by not eating the next day if need be. 
• Dinner is the only meal we all eat together... If you can call it "together"
• Exercise at least once a day. 
• 30 day shred starts tomorrow! 

• Food Rules
• NO Pizza
• NO Ice cream over 100 calories
• NO Fried Foods
• No White (except cauliflower)
• NO Condiments
• NO Juice
•  NO Milk (except fat free)
• NO Enriched flour
• NO Red 40
• NO Meat voluntarily 
• NO Egg Yolks
• NO Potatos
• Go to all classes! Do all the homework!

So those are my goals. They are more like rules than goals. But the chart below is based on my starting weight now and eating 500 cals a day plus exercising everyday.
Today I am at 330. And I am done for the night. I threw away my dinner, which I feel awful about because I now someone somewhere could really have used it. And I ate a small salad instead in front of the family so they don't get suspicious. Anyways ta ta for now!
<333

Day	Weight	Calories Used	Your Calorie Deficit
09/16/2012	243.27	3238.06	2738.06
09/23/2012	237.83	3195.46	2695.46
09/30/2012	232.47	3153.51	2653.51
10/07/2012	227.2	3112.22	2612.22
10/14/2012	222.01	3071.57	2571.57
10/21/2012	216.91	3031.55	2531.55
10/28/2012	211.88	2992.16	2492.16
11/04/2012	206.92	2953.38	2453.38
11/11/2012	202.05	2915.2	2415.2
11/18/2012	197.25	2877.61	2377.61
11/25/2012	192.53	2840.62	2340.62
12/02/2012	187.88	2804.19	2304.19
12/09/2012	183.3	2768.34	2268.34
12/16/2012	178.8	2733.04	2233.04
12/23/2012	174.36	2698.29	2198.29
12/30/2012	169.99	2664.08	2164.08
01/06/2013	165.69	2630.4	2130.4
01/13/2013	161.46	2597.25	2097.25
01/20/2013	157.29	2564.62	2064.62
01/27/2013	153.19	2532.49	2032.49
02/03/2013	149.15	2500.86	2000.86
02/10/2013	145.18	2469.72	1969.72
02/17/2013	141.27	2439.07	1939.07
02/24/2013	137.41	2408.9	1908.9
03/03/2013	133.62	2379.19	1879.19
03/10/2013	129.89	2349.95	1849.95
03/17/2013	126.21	2321.16	1821.16
03/24/2013	122.6	2292.82	1792.82
03/31/2013	119.03	2264.92	1764.92
04/07/2013	115.53	2237.46	1737.46
04/14/2013	112.08	2210.42	1710.42
04/21/2013	108.68	2183.81	1683.81
04/28/2013	105.33	2157.6	1657.6
05/05/2013	102.04	2131.81	1631.81
05/12/2013	98.8	2106.42	1606.42
05/19/2013	95.61	2081.42	1581.42
05/26/2013	92.47	2056.81	1556.81
06/02/2013	89.37	2032.58	1532.58

Under 500 cals, but still feel guilty.

I know my goal was to stay under 500 today, so technically I kicked today in the ass calorie wise. But I didn't work out like I wanted. I will have to do cardio tomorrow! I think I am going to get the 30 day shred and do it! I heard it works wonders... Has anyone tried it before?

On another note... Therapy today was crazy difficult... I cried a ton... I hate crying in front of people. Mainly because of this: ^

It's hard to talk. I hate to admit this, but since I am pretty much anonymous here, I don't really want to get better. This is the only thing I have. I have lost everything and everyone. All I have is my disorders. I don't want to be them, but I don't want to give them up. They are mine. I control them not the other way around. At least for now... And I am ok with that.
I think the reason it is so hard to talk is because it hurts 10x more to say the terrible things in my world aloud. If I say it aloud then it's real. I don't want this to be real. I want to wake up in my warm bed as a 5 year old on christmas eve. When my parents still loved me and I was an innocent little girl. I hate that I think this way, but I do and I can't change it. Despite what people may think. I know deep down that this is a bad path to take, but right now it is the only one keeping me alive. Striving for control and striving to be thin give me something to live for. If anyone takes that away... I would have no reason to be here anymore.

But enough of my shit here is some thinspo! Be sure to check out my tumblr (wannabeitgrl.tumblr.com) for more... I update tht constantly lol!
xoxo 

stay strong lovelies!
xoxo

525 calories- FAIL

I failed today. My goal was to stay under 500 and I failed. All I would have had to do, is not eat a few bites of dinner and I would have been golden... I don't know why I can't control myself... I have to get a grip on myself. I am fat. FAT FAT FAT. Tomorrow I plan to stay under 500 again and get in a workout. No workout today other than walking to and from classes.

Anyway not in the mood to write much so here is some thinspo!